August 27, 2015

There are two guiding principles that guide our consciousness. There is our Prespective, which is the “blue lens” through which we are able to interpret reality around us, even if sometimes skewed.

Then there is our Identity. Our Identity is, straightforwardly, what we consider to be our self. However, it is remarkable how much goes into our Identity, how seldom we stop to examine it, and how far reaching it’s influence.

“What’s in a Name?”

The first problem we run into when trying to learn more about our own Identity is  that we have a habit of over simplifying. “I’m me. I think I know myself!” However, the truth is we don’t stop to get to know ourselves nearly as well as we think we do. In a world where there is always a errand to run, a project to work on, or a Facebook page to read, we don’t really stop to look inside ourselves very often. Subsequently, we have a pretty good feel for ourselves without really knowing the inner workings. It’s like being able to tie your shoe, but if you had to explain it without a shoe, and shoelace, it becomes difficult.

Secondly, we confuse “roles,” with Identity. We concider ourselves to be many things. (Usually with the self important adjective of “good” at the beginning. We are good parents, good students, good drivers, and hard workers. However, these are roles more so than they are Identities. Your profession is a role more so than an Identity. Identities are deeper. Identities are not attributes, but beliefs about ourselves. They are the ideas we have about ourselves that are hard to define. They are pieces of us that are hard to pin down.

And yet, sometimes they are things that are so simple. Are you a person who believes eating breakfast in the morning is important? Are you a person who sets aside time to think, and daydream because you think it is important? Are you a person you keeps house plants because nature is important?

The things that make up our Identities can be as big as religious affiliation, and as small as the brand of deodorant we always buy.

Would You Like the Fish or the Chicken?

Identity is the primary driver in many of our decisions, and when we are aware of this, it can make even difficult decision making much easier and more pleasant. Ruth Chang explains that even choices as simple as having cereal, or donuts in the morning are a reflection of who we are. “I’m a person who eats whole grain cereal.” When we understand this, AND understand ourselves it makes decision making a lot easier. Furthermore the decisions we make resonate better with us. We take a stand, and put our support behind them.

Take this example: Say we are deciding what to do with the afternoon -should I sit outside and take in the sun, or stay inside and clean the house? We can say, “I’m a person who values taking time to enjoy my life, and I value the peace I’ll get from the relaxation.” Conversely we can say, “I’m a person who values a clean house, and I value the satisfaction and relief I’ll get from the effort.” Neither is wrong. Most choices like this don’t have right and wrong answers. They don’t have good and bad decisions. Being in tune with ourselves, helps us to make the choices that resonate with our particular identity.

Cause Life Happens

Our Identities impact our lives in more ways than the choices we make. They also impact how we feel, and respond to the events in life that we can’t control. When changes come in life that are at odds with our Identities they can seem disastrous. They can seem forced upon us, and cause stress, frustration, and lack of control. However, understanding that these changes (like the decisions) are not usually good or bad, in and of themselves, gives us a chance to change with them. We are amazing adapters, but acceptance is what eases the transitions.

Imagine you got a new position at work that requires you to go in very early, and work 5 am to 1 pm. You are not a morning person and stay up very late. This change might seem stressful to you. You don’t want to give up that time in the evening. However, if we can pick out the parts of our identities that cause the stress, we can change them in a fun, and satisfying way. After all many people get up early for their jobs, and like it. This is not a innately bad situation. So imagine you decide that the reason this seems so upsetting is that you’ve always prided yourself in retaining your youthfulness, and not going to bed at 10pm like your boring friends.  You are cool, and this feels like giving that up, and becoming just like everyone else. When we take the time to realize this is what is happening, we can write a new story. We can alter our identity ever so slightly, from “I’m awesome, and stay up late instead of going to bed at 10 pm like a tired fuddy-duddy,” to “I’m awesome, and get off at 1 in the afternoon, and do what ever I want all afternoon.”

Recognizing the ideas, and beliefs that go into our Identities gives us the power to shape our lifestyles to be perfect for who we are individually. Take the time to really get to know yourself. You will find life to be a much happier place!

-Michael Speck

What is a piece of your identity that is unwittingly causing you stress, or frustration?